Lesson 5: Design Your Dream Relationship
Bonding or Bounding: Venus & Mars Triggers
Signs of upset in Venus & Mars Mode
Signs of upset (Venus) | Signs of upset (Mars) |
|---|---|
Neediness flares up Become hurt, may cry or pout Pulls away or slips out of the room Punishes with silence Getting confused or scattered Exhaustion and crankiness May become extra charming and flirtatious to "win" people to your side | Shutting down or going radio silent Anger, especially if you feel forced to talk about it "Running" away—distance is created Feels agitated by interruptions and distractions Shuts down emotionally Becomes short-tempered Pushes away, storms off to be alone |
Realigning with Venus & Mars
How to resolve conflict in Venus mode | How to resolve conflict in Mars mode |
|---|---|
If they're upset in Venus mode: Apologize for making the person feel roughly handled or treated insensitively Reassure—especially if the person feels neglected or abandoned Reduce the "space" between you with affection, a thoughtful gesture (flowers, a card, speaking their "love language?) If you're upset in Venus mode: "Tend and befriend" by spending time with others who are in Venus mode Fill up on oxytocin-boosting activities (the "yin factor") like sharing a meal with friends, (window) shopping, walking your dog/cuddling a pet, karaoke, beauty treatments, listening to music, cultural activities hangouts Immerse yourself in beauty—indulge your senses and pamper yourself Ask for touch or affection, either through a hug from a friend or a massage | If they're upset in Mars mode: Talk slowly—just the facts, no long stories Stop asking questions and ask for a task Support them through action, not talk Give them a task they can do independently and "win" at—and thank them, no critical feedback allowed! Give clear instructions of what you need from them, and keep it simple Give them space (they'll be back sooner if you do) If you're upset in Mars mode: Reboot the "yang" factor by working out, solving a problem, accomplishing a clear goal that makes you feel like a winner Slow down and let your nervous system calm down. Take three deep breaths and be present (instead of racing after that goal) Ask people how they are feeling instead of trying to fix a perceived problem. Explain what you're focused on and why. Reassure people that you care/aren't upset and that you'll be back when you're finished with your mission. Set a time on your calendars to reconvene…after your mission has been accomplished! |